I guess i can’t have guy friends

So i recently started working as a server at this local diner here in town. Its pretty much a gathering place for Mormons and old people. I get tipped shit and my boss (who is Mormon) has the weirdest fucking rules. But the day that i started, so did W. Me and him became super fast friends, primarily by talking shit to each other. It’s the greatest friendship ever. Then i found myself becoming attracted to him. Like i hate to say ‘crush’ but holy shit do i have a crush on this man. He’s my best friend, and he also has a girlfriend. So im here trying hold myself back, because i dream about this guy all the time.

Im also friends, now, with his girlfriend, and im soooo not about the be that bitch to get in the way of that. I think im better than that.

Theeen, on the other hand, my old boyfriend from way back when, and i, have been talking, and i have so much feeling for this man, we’ve been through a lot, and he’s always been there for me. He wants to get back together when i move back to Cali, which would be AWESOME, but theres a problem.

I know i want to get married, and have kids one day. But he doesn’t. Its just not his thing. And im sitting here debating whether its worth it or not. To go into a relationship that you know wont get to the place you want it, but still be in a good place. Or try to find someone else who wants the same things. But i do really care about him. Gah, its all just so confusing. I wish someone would just tell me what the fuck to do.

I hate being an adult.

I need a drink.


On That Water Grind

So about three weeks ago, i got pretty fucking crazy. I told myself that night, when i left my house, only a couple of drinks, then i would come back home. Yeah, no. Instead i decided to drink about a billion times more than that.

There’s this blank spot for about an hour, that just will not come back to me…

Anyways, i was pretty sober until about 11:30, then i saw the guy that i was sleeping with at the other end of the bar. So me and him were chatting, tequila shots ensued, and then blank. I am told i accidentally spilled a whole beer into the cash register (mind you this is the bar i work at) and then told my friend/coworker he was an asshole for being mad… Because that makes sense… I think i was trying to be funny, and he thought i was serious, and i just got even more mad. Im not entirely sure.

Then me and M went to another bar, we were just chatting, and im pretty lucid by now, but we were betting on how long it would take for me to get a stranger to buy me a shot. (42 seconds BTW). Then we were trying to see who could pickpocket the most people. But the fact that we were both heavily intoxicated means neither of us won.

Then we went back to his place, had sex about 3 times and then started drinking some more. Then a beer bottle broke, and when i went to clean it, the glass sliced my finger open. Fucking awesome. He didn’t have any band-aids, so we went to my house, like 3 blocks away, to get one.

Apparently there was blood everywhere in my house because i woke up to like 5 texts from my dad asking if i was okay, and why is there blood everywhere in the bathroom and kitchen.

We go back to his house, have sex a couple more time then passed out.

We woke up, and i wasn’t even hungover. Like… I feel like that’s not good. So i decided to take a chill pill on the drinking for a couple months. It’s actually super easy. I still go out to bars i just get a soda water with lemon… Some people think im pregnant, but i don’t give a flying fuck. Plus ive lost like 5 pounds… hellz yeah.

It Was Only a Lot Illegal

So one of my very first posts was about losing my virginity. At the very end of it, I said I ended it because I met an older guy. This is that story.

So, about a month before i lost ‘it’ i was at work waiting for my mom to come pick me up. I was a grocery store clerk- so fucking glamorous. Anyways, she pulls up and informs me that we are going to go to dinner at her favorite restaurant, which is like four blocks away. I really did not want to go. I as wearing black slacks, a white button up, these horrible non slip shoes, and an apron. Shoot me.

To make it worse she says the bartender is super hot.


So we arrive, and i see him. Mr.K.

Holy-fucking-shit-on-a-stick. He was drop dead gorgeous. Sandy blonde surfer hair, and blue eyes that looked into my soul and made my heart pause a little.

I run to the bathroom, take the apron off, and unbutton my shirt a little bit.

At the end of his shift, my mom who is now completely hammered is wandering around, and he comes down and sits across from me. I thought he had me confused with someone else.

We chatted for like an hour, and at the very end my mom lets slip my age.

“I can’t believe im going to be 50! I was 34 when i had this ball of fire!” and pointed at me.

I could see him do the math in his head, then a really confused expression crossed his face.

I then decided to take my mom home, and he walked me to the car and i drove off, with him completely taking over my thoughts.

So a little while later i lost my V-card.

But after all that, i realized i still had more feelings for Mr.K than for Mr. Captain of the cross country team.

So one night, when we went back, we were talking, then he dropped the girlfriend bomb. He apparently met her at a wedding a couple days after we met. Fucking bitch. Shes the goddamned twin sister of a kind of well known actor. Like what the fuck?!

So im totally destroyed.

But a couple weeks later,me and my mom go in for lunch and i decide to grow a huge pair of balls, and forsake his monogamy, and put my number on the back of a napkin at the bar and slip it to him.

He texts me like two hours later. So were flirting and what have you’s, and make plans to see each other the next morning.

I end up going to this college party and try Ecstasy for the first time (fucking crazy) and the next day i get a text at like 6 am, and hes telling me to get my ass over.

So i show up, and he opened the door in his underwear, and im pretty sure i drooled a little. But like in a super sexy way.

We ended up, for a lack of eloquence, banging. Hard. It was awesome.

And this happened a couple more times over about 4 months. It ended when his girlfriend moved in.

It sucked not sleeping with him anymore, but like a year after we met, i went to a bar and ran into him and his girlfriend, and me and him decided to play the ‘we dont know each other game.’ And me and his girlfriend actually became like good bar friends, which probably made him wet his pants a little.

But super super funny ending to this, i ended up meeting his older brother, who he had never even mentioned mind you, and we became really good friends. And if you read like two or three posts ago about a guy picking a crazy one, thats his older brother. It was weird falling for brothers.

But i do know, if i could go back in time, and pick a brother, i would choose Mr.S every time.

But Mr.K was fun while he lasted. It just sucked that it was pretty illegal.

Just Because I Bought a Pregnancy Test Doesn’t Mean You Can Judge Me, Good Sir.

So, first some background. I have an IUD- and for those not familiar with Female Birth control… its a birth control. Boom. Simple shit.

It effects everyone differently. For me, it means my ‘monthly guest’ only comes around like 4 times a year. And as recommended by my doctor, i take 2 pregnancy tests a year. One in June, and one in December. Because i can go months, like up to 5 months, without my little red visitor.

And i never know when they are going to come! It’s absolutely terrifying. Like, how do you women put up with this on a regular basis? Maybe its just a shock to me, because im just not used to it.

But this past year, in addition to the one i already took back in June, i took one after that. Now if you haven’t realized it yet, periods not happening are usually the first sign for a girl to be like, ‘oh shit, i have a baby in my stomach.’ I don’t get that glorious luxury. Because like i said, it can be months between each, so each month without one is not a big deal.

But, and this is kind of embarrassing, i confused my PMS symptoms with pregnancy symptoms. I was freaking out. My boobs were sore, my stomach hurt, i was eating all the time, i was emotional. Jesus Christ it was fucking awful.

So i went to the store near my house, picked out the most reliable brand, and went to the counter. And this little shit of a cashier had the fucking nerve to judge me.

“We also have condoms on the same shelf, if your interested in any.”

“Excuse me?”

“You just look too young to have a kid. You need to invest in your future. You need to worry about a child every time you don’t use one.”

I almost leaned forward and punched that fucker in his face. like, at least im being fucking diligent! And of course i would want to know if i was pregnant! I mean, if i think im pregnant im gonna make fucking sure.

“I’m pretty positive that whether or not i use condoms, is really none of your business, and if that’s how you up sell, then i think your going to be jobless pretty soon.”

I took my little box of terror and walked back home.

I wasn’t pregnant, because i started my period like a day later (of course). But the nerve that jackass had. I hope he gets like ten girls pregnant at the same time.

You Just Had to Pick a Crazy One.

About three and a half years ago I met a Mr. S. He was older than me, but that’s nothing new with the men I like.

We became really good friends, and both were equally attracted to each other. He was this long-haired hippy, with the most beautiful eyes ever. swoon. 

However, my age was kind of a problem. He was in his late twenties, and though I was adult I had the unfortunate ‘teen’ still at the end of my age. But we still spent a lot of time together. Some nights when I was bored at home, he would ride his bike over to my house. Which was an impressive 4 miles uphill mind you. We would smoke cigarettes and just talk. For hours. Like the sun would come up and we wouldn’t even realize it. It was fucking awesome.

Then one magical alcohol infused night we slept together. It kind of freaked us both out. I didn’t know what this would do to our friendship, and he was still hung up on my age… So, sadly, I lost my best friend for a while. But a little while later we patched things up, and decided we actually liked sleeping together… and being friends.

I soon realized that I was pretty much head over heels for this man.

Everything was going pretty awesome. Then my dad asked me to move to texas, because he wanted me to figure my life out. So, being as my father is my absolute favorite person in the world, I agreed. Me and Mr.S were going pretty good, up until i took a trip to San Francisco. Because when I came back we were done. Like, he told me we couldn’t even be friends again.

Anywhoozers, he began dating this girl E, and she absolutely despised me… Like ive never felt such hatred from a person ive never met before. Apparently she had liked him for a while, but she slept with his friend. yadah yadah yadah I don’t give a fuck.

But me and him barely spoke before I left. Broke my fucking heart.

So I moved. And I didn’t hear from him in over a year then out of the blue he send me a message on Facebook. apologizing for not talking to me and ignoring me. I try to forgive him, but it didn’t really work out. I got mad and told him he sucked (but with a lit more cuss words).

But she found out about it. So she decided to send me this message, from her account, telling me how i was just this big joke and how i need to get over him. And im just fucking laughing. Like, firstly, im across the country. Second, she sounds like she needs to see a councilor. Like, that message was probably the meanest thing ive ever heard. Ever. (which is saying something since in my childhood i had no friends because i would hiss at people like a cat).

So i respond. Its pretty much a really descriptive message about how she can kindly, and gently, go fuck herself.

Later i found out she ended up going to jail because she showed up at his job and flipped a bitch switch about him talking to me.

But the whole point of this, is in about 6 months im moving back to that town, and they are still together (I have no fucking clue why. I think her vagina is magical or something). But im worried im gonna see them out one night, and she’s going to either:

a. punch me in the face.


b. Throw acid in my eyes.

Come on Mr.S, Why’d you have to choose a crazy one?

So are you dead or just an asshole

One of the biggest pet peeves that I have, and will definitely always have are flaky little bitches. The whole, “I’ll be there in an hour!” and then they just don’t show up. And whether it’s a friend or a lover it makes me want to lightly punch them in the face with a car. Like this is the age of technology people! It literally takes 10 seconds to send a text saying, “Hey can’t make it. Rain-check. ttyl.” DONE. What really Grinds My Gears as Peter Griffin would say, is when you don’t even take the time to inform me plans change.

So i am currently going through this right now. And if I wasn’t so terrible at talking to people about how I feel I would totally talk to my lover about all of this. And this is what I would say… if I had some balls. Oh, and he still has my 5 thousand dollar jacket at his house… fucking dick face.

“Hey buddy, I really do like your penis and all its glory, but hey grow a bigger pair of balls and when you want to cancel, just, oh I don’t know.. Tell me maybe? And if that doesn’t float your boat, then I don’t want to rock your ocean anymore, because I kind of want to punch you in the face… you literally live 3 blocks away… so just come over, AND DON’T FORGET THE JACKET, and lets break my bed.”

I mean I feel like that’s about as romantic/straightforward as I know how to be. But me being awkward I don’t quite know how to be as honest as I would like sometimes. I mean yea i’m a direct person.. and if he straight up asked me if I minded him being a little flaky bastard, I would tell him the truth. But bringing it up on my own? Jesus Christ I might as well just tell him I love him… Well in my head that’s its equivalent.

I mean, if I don’t hear from someone I see on a regular basis, for over a week, I assume you have died in a horrible death, and it hasn’t made it to the news yet because no one could ID you. That’s where my head goes… I also happen to know it’s not true in this case because my friends saw him yesterday.

So M, I ask you… Are you dead or just an asshole?

It was on a boat, so i guess you can say i’m pretty fancy

Butterflies in your stomach, looking into the eyes of the one you love (i mean your only in high school, but he was the one and you just knew it). Walking down the halls, holding hands, and picturing yourself with them for the rest of your lives. Do you remember those feelings with the person you lost it too?

I sure don’t. He was a perfectly acceptable man. Came from a good family. Had money. Captain of the cross country team. Attractive (if not a little short). Nice.

But to be honest it wasn’t love- and that’s okay with me looking back on it.

We went walking on the beach, jumping between the rocks- laughing like an idiot. We walk back to the docs, and he shows me the sail boat his parents got him for Christmas a few years before (see, parents had money). I feel like its so romantic, because i’m no fool and i know whats going to happen.

He looks at me with (what i assume he was going for) eyes filled with heat and passion, and pulls my dress up over my head.

Thank God i shaved.

He throws me down onto the weird sofa thing the boat has in its main hold, and then asks me the sexiest thing- “Are you sure?” I swooned at the end of that sentence. Jk. Have some confidence man.

I nodded and he pulled out a condom, and pulled his pants down.

Thats when i saw IT. The strangest thing popped in my head- i wanted to touch it.

See, i had never seen a dick before, let alone touch one. But the condom was on fast and he leaned down over me and asked me again if i was sure. I nodded again and waited patiently as he got his shit together.

Thats when it happened!

It didn’t hurt that much (thank you 2 awkward years of using tampons), and i didn’t bleed. We stayed in the same position- but at the time i thought it was phenomenal! I had never felt anything like that! In all my 16 years of life up to that point- i had never felt anything like that. It was different, and weird, and awkward. And i loved it.

It only lasted a couple minutes, and my bra never came off, and the idea of foreplay never crossed his mind. But for a first time it was pretty great. He even took me for food after- granted it was a burger joint, but i mean its the thought that counts right?

this glorious love affair lasted a whole 2… weeks, then i ended it because i fell in love (i thought) with a 24 year old bartender.

My life was a mess… Fun… but messy none the least.