So it Wasn’t Cocaine it Was Salt.

When i was 14 years old i moved to Florida to live with my Aunt and Uncle. Things just weren’t very good at my house with my mother, because shes nuts, so my aunt took me in.

We are inherently very different people, with our basic beliefs on life and love and just some pretty basic other shit.

I tried to be perfect for them. I enrolled in a super competitive program, maintained super high grades, took college courses at the same time, and didn’t really have a social life.

I woke up at 5am every morning to work out, went to school at 7:30, then went to school until 4pm, came home and did homework all night.

I as just trying to be perfect for them. I am not a religious person. And if i were to stand next to a religion, it would not be one based a Monotheistic value. So pretty much not Christian, Jewish, or Islam. They themselves, were very dedicated Catholics. They didn’t understand me, or approve of me. They would try to make me go to Church for holidays, always with a fight from me. Because in my opinion, it just an injustice to those in the Church who are there for their beliefs, and im just there because i was forced.

Towards the end of my Sophomore year i started to just not care as much about making them happy, and more about making me happy. I started rebelling, secretly, a little more.

I gave myself a tattoo of a heart on my ankle. I started smoking cigarettes. I went to a party. I had started seeing this older gentleman from my college, no sex obviously, but some serious emotions involved.

What really got me kicked out of the house was when i went to get my bellybutton pierced.

So i got it done, and i loved it. They give you a little bag of salt to mix in with water to clean the hole. Apparently my aunt went through my bag, and found the empty plastic bag. I mean, i understand, it totally looks like a coke bag. But i was 15… seriously?

Anyways, the next day she makes me take a pee test. It come back positive for Methadone… Which is a synthetic heroin.

I was freaking out… It was later to be revealed as a false positive. But it didn’t stop her from sending me back home.

Like come on bitch. I called you mom for over a year, and trusted you. And she couldn’t even trust me. Whatever. Like if i say that bag was filled with salt, take my fucking word for it.

So the second i got back to California, i decided to start living for me, not anyone else.

I was smoking a shit ton of weed, drinking, having sex and actually did start to do coke. But i got my shit together, and now im pretty fucking awesome.


On That Water Grind

So about three weeks ago, i got pretty fucking crazy. I told myself that night, when i left my house, only a couple of drinks, then i would come back home. Yeah, no. Instead i decided to drink about a billion times more than that.

There’s this blank spot for about an hour, that just will not come back to me…

Anyways, i was pretty sober until about 11:30, then i saw the guy that i was sleeping with at the other end of the bar. So me and him were chatting, tequila shots ensued, and then blank. I am told i accidentally spilled a whole beer into the cash register (mind you this is the bar i work at) and then told my friend/coworker he was an asshole for being mad… Because that makes sense… I think i was trying to be funny, and he thought i was serious, and i just got even more mad. Im not entirely sure.

Then me and M went to another bar, we were just chatting, and im pretty lucid by now, but we were betting on how long it would take for me to get a stranger to buy me a shot. (42 seconds BTW). Then we were trying to see who could pickpocket the most people. But the fact that we were both heavily intoxicated means neither of us won.

Then we went back to his place, had sex about 3 times and then started drinking some more. Then a beer bottle broke, and when i went to clean it, the glass sliced my finger open. Fucking awesome. He didn’t have any band-aids, so we went to my house, like 3 blocks away, to get one.

Apparently there was blood everywhere in my house because i woke up to like 5 texts from my dad asking if i was okay, and why is there blood everywhere in the bathroom and kitchen.

We go back to his house, have sex a couple more time then passed out.

We woke up, and i wasn’t even hungover. Like… I feel like that’s not good. So i decided to take a chill pill on the drinking for a couple months. It’s actually super easy. I still go out to bars i just get a soda water with lemon… Some people think im pregnant, but i don’t give a flying fuck. Plus ive lost like 5 pounds… hellz yeah.

Some People Just Can’t Hang

A couple of years ago it was my 18th birthday. I was born July 5th, so naturally i go out on the 4th, and celebrate at midnight.

Well this particular year, me and my friend E went downtown around 8pm, but not before having a couple glasses of wine with her and her roommate.

Anyways, by around 10pm, she is completely hammered. Im hanging in there, doing fine, but i can tell she really can’t last much longer.

So being the super amazing responsible friend i am, i pulled her around the block and behind a building, stared at her, and just said, “Throw up.”

She looked so confused. So i said it again.

She finally got it, and she tried for a minute or two then it all came out. I mean it was a waste of like 50$, but there can be no limit on the price to party.

We walk back around the block, back to the main road, and get to partying again. It was awesome. She pulled her shit together, and managed to rally like a champ. I was so proud of her. And when midnight struck, i got us some tequila shots on the house, and we kept the night going until all the bars closed.

I have to say my 18th birthday was my favorite.

Tastes Like Fancy Water, Drinks Like Cheap Vodka

Im gunna get up here and say, that i have a super fucking clean driving record. No parking tickets, no speeding tickets, just no tickets of any kind. Ive have only been pulled over once in my life, when i was 16, and even then i managed my way out of some pretty hefty fines… And that was a great one indeed.

So i was babysitting this adorable little monster all day, and her parents came home around like 11 pm, clearly pretty drunk. They pay me (120$) then give me an extra 20 for gas. i was fucking stoked. Being 16 with 140$, no bills, and a kick ass fake ID.

I drive to my friend’s house a couple blocks away and change into this white dress. And when i say white i really mean see-through, but with like a white sheen on it. Then its time for these hooker heels i got myself a few weeks before… I look in the mirror and its no fucking wonder i pass as 22, i mean my boobs are fucking huge.

Anyways, im driving downtown, and im trying to find a parking space and i take a right turn on a completely dead street without stopping fully… Fucking red, blue, and white lights go off behind me.

I pull over in a pretty decent spot, and the cop parks behind me I turn off my car, and try to hide the cigarettes in my car.

I roll my window down when he gets near the car, “Hey there miss, have you been drinking tonight?” Not yet.

“No sir.”

“License and registration please.”

I fumble through the glove compartment for the registration, then i hand him my Permit… See i didn’t exactly have a licence… i had a Florida permit, that honestly had no real use in the state of California (you also need a sober adult in the car with you, but pshh whatever).

He looks at the permit, and raises an eye to me.. you know the look, like ‘are you fucking kidding me?’

He asks why i’m out driving so i think fast and tell him my mother is hammered and im on my way to go pick her up because she didn’t have cab fare, and im just worried about her.

His face softens and he tells me not to let this happen again, and he just saved my mom a world of hassle because hes not going to tow the car or give me a ticket. Fucking thank God. He lets me park there and i was so fucking nervous to get out of the car… i means i look like a prostitute, and he knows im 16.

I step out of the car, lock it, and say thank you to him… He looks me up and down and kind of just shakes his head like, “Im not fucking dealing with this.” and gets into his car and drives away.

I walk to the bar like 4 blocks away, and the bouncer puts me in the VIP line and i get in in about 5 minutes much to the Chagrin of the other bitches. I start dancing when i notice something.

My mom.

And she’s kissing some Man.

Nope- some very Butch lesbian.

I go over to say hi, and the lady is super sweet, she hands me her drink and tells me to watch it while she pees. I do as she asks, in a slight daze because just what the fuck is going on?

My mom is completely hammered, so at least i was kind of telling the cop the truth. The lady comes back and takes her drink, she asks if i want to try a sip. Obviously i do.

I told her i thought it was pretty good, so she got me one. The hangover i had the next day let me know that just because something tastes like Fancy Water, doesn’t mean it wont hit you like Cheap Vodka.