On That Water Grind

So about three weeks ago, i got pretty fucking crazy. I told myself that night, when i left my house, only a couple of drinks, then i would come back home. Yeah, no. Instead i decided to drink about a billion times more than that.

There’s this blank spot for about an hour, that just will not come back to me…

Anyways, i was pretty sober until about 11:30, then i saw the guy that i was sleeping with at the other end of the bar. So me and him were chatting, tequila shots ensued, and then blank. I am told i accidentally spilled a whole beer into the cash register (mind you this is the bar i work at) and then told my friend/coworker he was an asshole for being mad… Because that makes sense… I think i was trying to be funny, and he thought i was serious, and i just got even more mad. Im not entirely sure.

Then me and M went to another bar, we were just chatting, and im pretty lucid by now, but we were betting on how long it would take for me to get a stranger to buy me a shot. (42 seconds BTW). Then we were trying to see who could pickpocket the most people. But the fact that we were both heavily intoxicated means neither of us won.

Then we went back to his place, had sex about 3 times and then started drinking some more. Then a beer bottle broke, and when i went to clean it, the glass sliced my finger open. Fucking awesome. He didn’t have any band-aids, so we went to my house, like 3 blocks away, to get one.

Apparently there was blood everywhere in my house because i woke up to like 5 texts from my dad asking if i was okay, and why is there blood everywhere in the bathroom and kitchen.

We go back to his house, have sex a couple more time then passed out.

We woke up, and i wasn’t even hungover. Like… I feel like that’s not good. So i decided to take a chill pill on the drinking for a couple months. It’s actually super easy. I still go out to bars i just get a soda water with lemon… Some people think im pregnant, but i don’t give a flying fuck. Plus ive lost like 5 pounds… hellz yeah.

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Some People Just Can’t Hang

A couple of years ago it was my 18th birthday. I was born July 5th, so naturally i go out on the 4th, and celebrate at midnight.

Well this particular year, me and my friend E went downtown around 8pm, but not before having a couple glasses of wine with her and her roommate.

Anyways, by around 10pm, she is completely hammered. Im hanging in there, doing fine, but i can tell she really can’t last much longer.

So being the super amazing responsible friend i am, i pulled her around the block and behind a building, stared at her, and just said, “Throw up.”

She looked so confused. So i said it again.

She finally got it, and she tried for a minute or two then it all came out. I mean it was a waste of like 50$, but there can be no limit on the price to party.

We walk back around the block, back to the main road, and get to partying again. It was awesome. She pulled her shit together, and managed to rally like a champ. I was so proud of her. And when midnight struck, i got us some tequila shots on the house, and we kept the night going until all the bars closed.

I have to say my 18th birthday was my favorite.

It Was Only a Lot Illegal

So one of my very first posts was about losing my virginity. At the very end of it, I said I ended it because I met an older guy. This is that story.

So, about a month before i lost ‘it’ i was at work waiting for my mom to come pick me up. I was a grocery store clerk- so fucking glamorous. Anyways, she pulls up and informs me that we are going to go to dinner at her favorite restaurant, which is like four blocks away. I really did not want to go. I as wearing black slacks, a white button up, these horrible non slip shoes, and an apron. Shoot me.

To make it worse she says the bartender is super hot.

Fuck.

So we arrive, and i see him. Mr.K.

Holy-fucking-shit-on-a-stick. He was drop dead gorgeous. Sandy blonde surfer hair, and blue eyes that looked into my soul and made my heart pause a little.

I run to the bathroom, take the apron off, and unbutton my shirt a little bit.

At the end of his shift, my mom who is now completely hammered is wandering around, and he comes down and sits across from me. I thought he had me confused with someone else.

We chatted for like an hour, and at the very end my mom lets slip my age.

“I can’t believe im going to be 50! I was 34 when i had this ball of fire!” and pointed at me.

I could see him do the math in his head, then a really confused expression crossed his face.

I then decided to take my mom home, and he walked me to the car and i drove off, with him completely taking over my thoughts.

So a little while later i lost my V-card.

But after all that, i realized i still had more feelings for Mr.K than for Mr. Captain of the cross country team.

So one night, when we went back, we were talking, then he dropped the girlfriend bomb. He apparently met her at a wedding a couple days after we met. Fucking bitch. Shes the goddamned twin sister of a kind of well known actor. Like what the fuck?!

So im totally destroyed.

But a couple weeks later,me and my mom go in for lunch and i decide to grow a huge pair of balls, and forsake his monogamy, and put my number on the back of a napkin at the bar and slip it to him.

He texts me like two hours later. So were flirting and what have you’s, and make plans to see each other the next morning.

I end up going to this college party and try Ecstasy for the first time (fucking crazy) and the next day i get a text at like 6 am, and hes telling me to get my ass over.

So i show up, and he opened the door in his underwear, and im pretty sure i drooled a little. But like in a super sexy way.

We ended up, for a lack of eloquence, banging. Hard. It was awesome.

And this happened a couple more times over about 4 months. It ended when his girlfriend moved in.

It sucked not sleeping with him anymore, but like a year after we met, i went to a bar and ran into him and his girlfriend, and me and him decided to play the ‘we dont know each other game.’ And me and his girlfriend actually became like good bar friends, which probably made him wet his pants a little.

But super super funny ending to this, i ended up meeting his older brother, who he had never even mentioned mind you, and we became really good friends. And if you read like two or three posts ago about a guy picking a crazy one, thats his older brother. It was weird falling for brothers.

But i do know, if i could go back in time, and pick a brother, i would choose Mr.S every time.

But Mr.K was fun while he lasted. It just sucked that it was pretty illegal.

You Just Had to Pick a Crazy One.

About three and a half years ago I met a Mr. S. He was older than me, but that’s nothing new with the men I like.

We became really good friends, and both were equally attracted to each other. He was this long-haired hippy, with the most beautiful eyes ever. swoon. 

However, my age was kind of a problem. He was in his late twenties, and though I was adult I had the unfortunate ‘teen’ still at the end of my age. But we still spent a lot of time together. Some nights when I was bored at home, he would ride his bike over to my house. Which was an impressive 4 miles uphill mind you. We would smoke cigarettes and just talk. For hours. Like the sun would come up and we wouldn’t even realize it. It was fucking awesome.

Then one magical alcohol infused night we slept together. It kind of freaked us both out. I didn’t know what this would do to our friendship, and he was still hung up on my age… So, sadly, I lost my best friend for a while. But a little while later we patched things up, and decided we actually liked sleeping together… and being friends.

I soon realized that I was pretty much head over heels for this man.

Everything was going pretty awesome. Then my dad asked me to move to texas, because he wanted me to figure my life out. So, being as my father is my absolute favorite person in the world, I agreed. Me and Mr.S were going pretty good, up until i took a trip to San Francisco. Because when I came back we were done. Like, he told me we couldn’t even be friends again.

Anywhoozers, he began dating this girl E, and she absolutely despised me… Like ive never felt such hatred from a person ive never met before. Apparently she had liked him for a while, but she slept with his friend. yadah yadah yadah I don’t give a fuck.

But me and him barely spoke before I left. Broke my fucking heart.

So I moved. And I didn’t hear from him in over a year then out of the blue he send me a message on Facebook. apologizing for not talking to me and ignoring me. I try to forgive him, but it didn’t really work out. I got mad and told him he sucked (but with a lit more cuss words).

But she found out about it. So she decided to send me this message, from her account, telling me how i was just this big joke and how i need to get over him. And im just fucking laughing. Like, firstly, im across the country. Second, she sounds like she needs to see a councilor. Like, that message was probably the meanest thing ive ever heard. Ever. (which is saying something since in my childhood i had no friends because i would hiss at people like a cat).

So i respond. Its pretty much a really descriptive message about how she can kindly, and gently, go fuck herself.

Later i found out she ended up going to jail because she showed up at his job and flipped a bitch switch about him talking to me.

But the whole point of this, is in about 6 months im moving back to that town, and they are still together (I have no fucking clue why. I think her vagina is magical or something). But im worried im gonna see them out one night, and she’s going to either:

a. punch me in the face.

or

b. Throw acid in my eyes.

Come on Mr.S, Why’d you have to choose a crazy one?

Are You There Watermelon Pucker? It’s Me Birdii

If you have yet to read my ‘About’ section, i am a bartender, with a deep appreciation of cocktails and shots.

I recently moved to a very small town in the middle of nowhere. There are three bars in this town open until two am, and only two of those bars are open on a regular basis. I moved here from a town in Texas that specialized in ‘Starfucker’ shots. Holy Moses they are delicious.

But no bar in this town has the key ingredient. Watermelon Pucker… Sure, they have midori, but it’s just not the same.It;s so upsetting.

So if any of you lovelies out there are over 21 and would like to taste this Nectar of the Gods here you go. It’s super simple and amazing. Please thank me later.

STARFUCKER

1.5 oz Crown Royal

1.5 oz Watermelon Pucker

Shake in a tumbler with ice

Strain into short glass

Fill with redbull

Like i said, super simple.

I just really wish i had one…

Tastes Like Fancy Water, Drinks Like Cheap Vodka

Im gunna get up here and say, that i have a super fucking clean driving record. No parking tickets, no speeding tickets, just no tickets of any kind. Ive have only been pulled over once in my life, when i was 16, and even then i managed my way out of some pretty hefty fines… And that was a great one indeed.

So i was babysitting this adorable little monster all day, and her parents came home around like 11 pm, clearly pretty drunk. They pay me (120$) then give me an extra 20 for gas. i was fucking stoked. Being 16 with 140$, no bills, and a kick ass fake ID.

I drive to my friend’s house a couple blocks away and change into this white dress. And when i say white i really mean see-through, but with like a white sheen on it. Then its time for these hooker heels i got myself a few weeks before… I look in the mirror and its no fucking wonder i pass as 22, i mean my boobs are fucking huge.

Anyways, im driving downtown, and im trying to find a parking space and i take a right turn on a completely dead street without stopping fully… Fucking red, blue, and white lights go off behind me.

I pull over in a pretty decent spot, and the cop parks behind me I turn off my car, and try to hide the cigarettes in my car.

I roll my window down when he gets near the car, “Hey there miss, have you been drinking tonight?” Not yet.

“No sir.”

“License and registration please.”

I fumble through the glove compartment for the registration, then i hand him my Permit… See i didn’t exactly have a licence… i had a Florida permit, that honestly had no real use in the state of California (you also need a sober adult in the car with you, but pshh whatever).

He looks at the permit, and raises an eye to me.. you know the look, like ‘are you fucking kidding me?’

He asks why i’m out driving so i think fast and tell him my mother is hammered and im on my way to go pick her up because she didn’t have cab fare, and im just worried about her.

His face softens and he tells me not to let this happen again, and he just saved my mom a world of hassle because hes not going to tow the car or give me a ticket. Fucking thank God. He lets me park there and i was so fucking nervous to get out of the car… i means i look like a prostitute, and he knows im 16.

I step out of the car, lock it, and say thank you to him… He looks me up and down and kind of just shakes his head like, “Im not fucking dealing with this.” and gets into his car and drives away.

I walk to the bar like 4 blocks away, and the bouncer puts me in the VIP line and i get in in about 5 minutes much to the Chagrin of the other bitches. I start dancing when i notice something.

My mom.

And she’s kissing some Man.

Nope- some very Butch lesbian.

I go over to say hi, and the lady is super sweet, she hands me her drink and tells me to watch it while she pees. I do as she asks, in a slight daze because just what the fuck is going on?

My mom is completely hammered, so at least i was kind of telling the cop the truth. The lady comes back and takes her drink, she asks if i want to try a sip. Obviously i do.

I told her i thought it was pretty good, so she got me one. The hangover i had the next day let me know that just because something tastes like Fancy Water, doesn’t mean it wont hit you like Cheap Vodka.