I guess i can’t have guy friends

So i recently started working as a server at this local diner here in town. Its pretty much a gathering place for Mormons and old people. I get tipped shit and my boss (who is Mormon) has the weirdest fucking rules. But the day that i started, so did W. Me and him became super fast friends, primarily by talking shit to each other. It’s the greatest friendship ever. Then i found myself becoming attracted to him. Like i hate to say ‘crush’ but holy shit do i have a crush on this man. He’s my best friend, and he also has a girlfriend. So im here trying hold myself back, because i dream about this guy all the time.

Im also friends, now, with his girlfriend, and im soooo not about the be that bitch to get in the way of that. I think im better than that.

Theeen, on the other hand, my old boyfriend from way back when, and i, have been talking, and i have so much feeling for this man, we’ve been through a lot, and he’s always been there for me. He wants to get back together when i move back to Cali, which would be AWESOME, but theres a problem.

I know i want to get married, and have kids one day. But he doesn’t. Its just not his thing. And im sitting here debating whether its worth it or not. To go into a relationship that you know wont get to the place you want it, but still be in a good place. Or try to find someone else who wants the same things. But i do really care about him. Gah, its all just so confusing. I wish someone would just tell me what the fuck to do.

I hate being an adult.

I need a drink.


So it Wasn’t Cocaine it Was Salt.

When i was 14 years old i moved to Florida to live with my Aunt and Uncle. Things just weren’t very good at my house with my mother, because shes nuts, so my aunt took me in.

We are inherently very different people, with our basic beliefs on life and love and just some pretty basic other shit.

I tried to be perfect for them. I enrolled in a super competitive program, maintained super high grades, took college courses at the same time, and didn’t really have a social life.

I woke up at 5am every morning to work out, went to school at 7:30, then went to school until 4pm, came home and did homework all night.

I as just trying to be perfect for them. I am not a religious person. And if i were to stand next to a religion, it would not be one based a Monotheistic value. So pretty much not Christian, Jewish, or Islam. They themselves, were very dedicated Catholics. They didn’t understand me, or approve of me. They would try to make me go to Church for holidays, always with a fight from me. Because in my opinion, it just an injustice to those in the Church who are there for their beliefs, and im just there because i was forced.

Towards the end of my Sophomore year i started to just not care as much about making them happy, and more about making me happy. I started rebelling, secretly, a little more.

I gave myself a tattoo of a heart on my ankle. I started smoking cigarettes. I went to a party. I had started seeing this older gentleman from my college, no sex obviously, but some serious emotions involved.

What really got me kicked out of the house was when i went to get my bellybutton pierced.

So i got it done, and i loved it. They give you a little bag of salt to mix in with water to clean the hole. Apparently my aunt went through my bag, and found the empty plastic bag. I mean, i understand, it totally looks like a coke bag. But i was 15… seriously?

Anyways, the next day she makes me take a pee test. It come back positive for Methadone… Which is a synthetic heroin.

I was freaking out… It was later to be revealed as a false positive. But it didn’t stop her from sending me back home.

Like come on bitch. I called you mom for over a year, and trusted you. And she couldn’t even trust me. Whatever. Like if i say that bag was filled with salt, take my fucking word for it.

So the second i got back to California, i decided to start living for me, not anyone else.

I was smoking a shit ton of weed, drinking, having sex and actually did start to do coke. But i got my shit together, and now im pretty fucking awesome.

On That Water Grind

So about three weeks ago, i got pretty fucking crazy. I told myself that night, when i left my house, only a couple of drinks, then i would come back home. Yeah, no. Instead i decided to drink about a billion times more than that.

There’s this blank spot for about an hour, that just will not come back to me…

Anyways, i was pretty sober until about 11:30, then i saw the guy that i was sleeping with at the other end of the bar. So me and him were chatting, tequila shots ensued, and then blank. I am told i accidentally spilled a whole beer into the cash register (mind you this is the bar i work at) and then told my friend/coworker he was an asshole for being mad… Because that makes sense… I think i was trying to be funny, and he thought i was serious, and i just got even more mad. Im not entirely sure.

Then me and M went to another bar, we were just chatting, and im pretty lucid by now, but we were betting on how long it would take for me to get a stranger to buy me a shot. (42 seconds BTW). Then we were trying to see who could pickpocket the most people. But the fact that we were both heavily intoxicated means neither of us won.

Then we went back to his place, had sex about 3 times and then started drinking some more. Then a beer bottle broke, and when i went to clean it, the glass sliced my finger open. Fucking awesome. He didn’t have any band-aids, so we went to my house, like 3 blocks away, to get one.

Apparently there was blood everywhere in my house because i woke up to like 5 texts from my dad asking if i was okay, and why is there blood everywhere in the bathroom and kitchen.

We go back to his house, have sex a couple more time then passed out.

We woke up, and i wasn’t even hungover. Like… I feel like that’s not good. So i decided to take a chill pill on the drinking for a couple months. It’s actually super easy. I still go out to bars i just get a soda water with lemon… Some people think im pregnant, but i don’t give a flying fuck. Plus ive lost like 5 pounds… hellz yeah.

Some People Just Can’t Hang

A couple of years ago it was my 18th birthday. I was born July 5th, so naturally i go out on the 4th, and celebrate at midnight.

Well this particular year, me and my friend E went downtown around 8pm, but not before having a couple glasses of wine with her and her roommate.

Anyways, by around 10pm, she is completely hammered. Im hanging in there, doing fine, but i can tell she really can’t last much longer.

So being the super amazing responsible friend i am, i pulled her around the block and behind a building, stared at her, and just said, “Throw up.”

She looked so confused. So i said it again.

She finally got it, and she tried for a minute or two then it all came out. I mean it was a waste of like 50$, but there can be no limit on the price to party.

We walk back around the block, back to the main road, and get to partying again. It was awesome. She pulled her shit together, and managed to rally like a champ. I was so proud of her. And when midnight struck, i got us some tequila shots on the house, and we kept the night going until all the bars closed.

I have to say my 18th birthday was my favorite.

It Was Only a Lot Illegal

So one of my very first posts was about losing my virginity. At the very end of it, I said I ended it because I met an older guy. This is that story.

So, about a month before i lost ‘it’ i was at work waiting for my mom to come pick me up. I was a grocery store clerk- so fucking glamorous. Anyways, she pulls up and informs me that we are going to go to dinner at her favorite restaurant, which is like four blocks away. I really did not want to go. I as wearing black slacks, a white button up, these horrible non slip shoes, and an apron. Shoot me.

To make it worse she says the bartender is super hot.


So we arrive, and i see him. Mr.K.

Holy-fucking-shit-on-a-stick. He was drop dead gorgeous. Sandy blonde surfer hair, and blue eyes that looked into my soul and made my heart pause a little.

I run to the bathroom, take the apron off, and unbutton my shirt a little bit.

At the end of his shift, my mom who is now completely hammered is wandering around, and he comes down and sits across from me. I thought he had me confused with someone else.

We chatted for like an hour, and at the very end my mom lets slip my age.

“I can’t believe im going to be 50! I was 34 when i had this ball of fire!” and pointed at me.

I could see him do the math in his head, then a really confused expression crossed his face.

I then decided to take my mom home, and he walked me to the car and i drove off, with him completely taking over my thoughts.

So a little while later i lost my V-card.

But after all that, i realized i still had more feelings for Mr.K than for Mr. Captain of the cross country team.

So one night, when we went back, we were talking, then he dropped the girlfriend bomb. He apparently met her at a wedding a couple days after we met. Fucking bitch. Shes the goddamned twin sister of a kind of well known actor. Like what the fuck?!

So im totally destroyed.

But a couple weeks later,me and my mom go in for lunch and i decide to grow a huge pair of balls, and forsake his monogamy, and put my number on the back of a napkin at the bar and slip it to him.

He texts me like two hours later. So were flirting and what have you’s, and make plans to see each other the next morning.

I end up going to this college party and try Ecstasy for the first time (fucking crazy) and the next day i get a text at like 6 am, and hes telling me to get my ass over.

So i show up, and he opened the door in his underwear, and im pretty sure i drooled a little. But like in a super sexy way.

We ended up, for a lack of eloquence, banging. Hard. It was awesome.

And this happened a couple more times over about 4 months. It ended when his girlfriend moved in.

It sucked not sleeping with him anymore, but like a year after we met, i went to a bar and ran into him and his girlfriend, and me and him decided to play the ‘we dont know each other game.’ And me and his girlfriend actually became like good bar friends, which probably made him wet his pants a little.

But super super funny ending to this, i ended up meeting his older brother, who he had never even mentioned mind you, and we became really good friends. And if you read like two or three posts ago about a guy picking a crazy one, thats his older brother. It was weird falling for brothers.

But i do know, if i could go back in time, and pick a brother, i would choose Mr.S every time.

But Mr.K was fun while he lasted. It just sucked that it was pretty illegal.

Just Because I Bought a Pregnancy Test Doesn’t Mean You Can Judge Me, Good Sir.

So, first some background. I have an IUD- and for those not familiar with Female Birth control… its a birth control. Boom. Simple shit.

It effects everyone differently. For me, it means my ‘monthly guest’ only comes around like 4 times a year. And as recommended by my doctor, i take 2 pregnancy tests a year. One in June, and one in December. Because i can go months, like up to 5 months, without my little red visitor.

And i never know when they are going to come! It’s absolutely terrifying. Like, how do you women put up with this on a regular basis? Maybe its just a shock to me, because im just not used to it.

But this past year, in addition to the one i already took back in June, i took one after that. Now if you haven’t realized it yet, periods not happening are usually the first sign for a girl to be like, ‘oh shit, i have a baby in my stomach.’ I don’t get that glorious luxury. Because like i said, it can be months between each, so each month without one is not a big deal.

But, and this is kind of embarrassing, i confused my PMS symptoms with pregnancy symptoms. I was freaking out. My boobs were sore, my stomach hurt, i was eating all the time, i was emotional. Jesus Christ it was fucking awful.

So i went to the store near my house, picked out the most reliable brand, and went to the counter. And this little shit of a cashier had the fucking nerve to judge me.

“We also have condoms on the same shelf, if your interested in any.”

“Excuse me?”

“You just look too young to have a kid. You need to invest in your future. You need to worry about a child every time you don’t use one.”

I almost leaned forward and punched that fucker in his face. like, at least im being fucking diligent! And of course i would want to know if i was pregnant! I mean, if i think im pregnant im gonna make fucking sure.

“I’m pretty positive that whether or not i use condoms, is really none of your business, and if that’s how you up sell, then i think your going to be jobless pretty soon.”

I took my little box of terror and walked back home.

I wasn’t pregnant, because i started my period like a day later (of course). But the nerve that jackass had. I hope he gets like ten girls pregnant at the same time.