Tastes Like Fancy Water, Drinks Like Cheap Vodka

Im gunna get up here and say, that i have a super fucking clean driving record. No parking tickets, no speeding tickets, just no tickets of any kind. Ive have only been pulled over once in my life, when i was 16, and even then i managed my way out of some pretty hefty fines… And that was a great one indeed.

So i was babysitting this adorable little monster all day, and her parents came home around like 11 pm, clearly pretty drunk. They pay me (120$) then give me an extra 20 for gas. i was fucking stoked. Being 16 with 140$, no bills, and a kick ass fake ID.

I drive to my friend’s house a couple blocks away and change into this white dress. And when i say white i really mean see-through, but with like a white sheen on it. Then its time for these hooker heels i got myself a few weeks before… I look in the mirror and its no fucking wonder i pass as 22, i mean my boobs are fucking huge.

Anyways, im driving downtown, and im trying to find a parking space and i take a right turn on a completely dead street without stopping fully… Fucking red, blue, and white lights go off behind me.

I pull over in a pretty decent spot, and the cop parks behind me I turn off my car, and try to hide the cigarettes in my car.

I roll my window down when he gets near the car, “Hey there miss, have you been drinking tonight?” Not yet.

“No sir.”

“License and registration please.”

I fumble through the glove compartment for the registration, then i hand him my Permit… See i didn’t exactly have a licence… i had a Florida permit, that honestly had no real use in the state of California (you also need a sober adult in the car with you, but pshh whatever).

He looks at the permit, and raises an eye to me.. you know the look, like ‘are you fucking kidding me?’

He asks why i’m out driving so i think fast and tell him my mother is hammered and im on my way to go pick her up because she didn’t have cab fare, and im just worried about her.

His face softens and he tells me not to let this happen again, and he just saved my mom a world of hassle because hes not going to tow the car or give me a ticket. Fucking thank God. He lets me park there and i was so fucking nervous to get out of the car… i means i look like a prostitute, and he knows im 16.

I step out of the car, lock it, and say thank you to him… He looks me up and down and kind of just shakes his head like, “Im not fucking dealing with this.” and gets into his car and drives away.

I walk to the bar like 4 blocks away, and the bouncer puts me in the VIP line and i get in in about 5 minutes much to the Chagrin of the other bitches. I start dancing when i notice something.

My mom.

And she’s kissing some Man.

Nope- some very Butch lesbian.

I go over to say hi, and the lady is super sweet, she hands me her drink and tells me to watch it while she pees. I do as she asks, in a slight daze because just what the fuck is going on?

My mom is completely hammered, so at least i was kind of telling the cop the truth. The lady comes back and takes her drink, she asks if i want to try a sip. Obviously i do.

I told her i thought it was pretty good, so she got me one. The hangover i had the next day let me know that just because something tastes like Fancy Water, doesn’t mean it wont hit you like Cheap Vodka.


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